The Worst Kind of Person (Portemauro)

I deodorize with a cigarette

I demoralize your family pet

Irritate your eyes with my crudeness, yet

I shy away from the safest bet

I have no boldness; I have no drive

I’m only technically alive

You’ll never catch my misdeeds live

I set you up; you took the dive

I take up your allotted space

I eat your food and leave no trace

I pressure you to keep the pace

But won’t let you get on my case

Balloon to an obnoxious size

Offend the little children’s eyes

Ignore the poor soul’s desperate cries

Serve him unsalted, cold french fries

I pester, fester, hector, lie

I kick and spit; I push and pry

I’m hopeless, gormless, sad and dry

I’m potent tinder piled high

I burn and burn and burn and burn

There’s nothing left for me to learn

I’ll take away the things you earn

And shout even though it’s your turn

Danger: of which they tried to warn

I dive right it, I’ve just been born

I’m loved so much I should be torn

Affection met with white-hot scorn

I’m a machine, I calculate

I turn real love into pure hate

Throw up my hands, capitulate

I drag them down, reciprocate

I pipe up at the slightest chance

I glare when someone wants to dance

You’d never guess, viewing my stance

I’m made of at least 61,608,219 black ants